A Journal Entry From My Injury Recovery


It’s easier to fix the outside than it is to fix the inside.  As a personal trainer I helped people fix their bodies into more fit, healthy, and fabulous objects. I set myself apart from the crowd by being compassionate, and really getting to the root of the weight or stress issue. After befriending each and every client, I became a place of support and therapy – the reason I went to college in the first place.

After years of training people how to fix the outside in a country of obesity, I came to the conclusion the real problems lie within the individual. No matter how many times you hit the gym in a day, that stressor is not going to solve itself. That co-worker is not going to respect you unless you stand up for yourself. That boyfriend is not going to stick around if you’re such a bitch after work at the job you hate. We got deep and worked through some murky emotions with each and every client. Your mother is continuously going to put you down unless you cut her off. Stop trying to prove yourself to the world and simply BE.

Remove that negative voice. You’re the one letting it in.

The gym can be its own meditation. I still crave that bench beneath my ponytail, sweat tickling the middle of my chest as it drips down, and my arms trembling in front of my face. I get it. It’s amazing. The key is that we simply need to be aware of our goals, for inside and out, and find balance. Image is the first thing we see of a person, inside is the last. What if we all went blind for a day, how kind could you be? How would you change your activities and thought patterns?

This sounds like an obvious statement, but the truth of the matter is we are all focused on the wrong things. We’re so keen on making money because we all have a fear of being poor. The media makes us think we need things, but all we need is each other. The marketing of consumerism is insane. The war on women is irrefutable. We fought to get educated, to vote, and then to have all these other equal rights – yet we parade around, act dumb on purpose, and pretend we’re in control. F****ing ridiculous.

This current wave of non-culture is depleting our insides, falsely perfecting and shaping our outsides, as well as removing any hope for change. That’s a scary word. No one wants that. Yet, how happy are you?

Really, stop being complacent. Stop being content. Damn that words aggravates me. Content. F**k your sense of being content; get wild. Get daring. You’re an animal, for Pete’s sake! Get off your ass, and live this one chance you have as the name you hold. Life is eternal, and you will keep receiving the same lessons over again until you learn them. Is this the third boyfriend/girlfriend who has cheated on you? Why didn’t you stop and assess yourself for once, instead of blaming their patterns of behavior? What are your patterns? Why are you seeking pain? Why aren’t you standing up for yourself the first doubt, the first argument? The word why should be in every question.

As a child I got in a lot of trouble for asking why. As adults, we don’t want to face the truth. And as adults, we have the option to deny the truth. We have the option to lie to ourselves, day in and day out, about who we are, what we want, and what we deserve, and why. Every experience, good or bad, can be seen as a positive if you learn from it. If you refuse to learn, change, and evolve, you will get left behind in every compartment you place yourself.

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