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Day 9 of My New Abstinence Covenant
This isn’t easy giving up sex after having it for the past 15 years whenever I wanted. I didn’t ask for this purpose, I was born into it. Jesus didn’t ask for his purpose, He was born out of it.
Yes, I confess, I am addicted to sexual immorality, the ego it created, the vanity, the attention, the flattery, the sensuality, coveting, idolatry of myself as a character, wickedness, deceit, envy, pride, foolishness. I was addicted to every touch, kiss, massage, compliment, and leaving my body as a man had his way with it. I was a people pleaser, a man pleaser. A flesh pleaser. A self-pleaser.
I was addicted to sending and posting sexy photos and getting false validation that I’m a beautiful human being. I was addicted to the attention. I was always seeking LOVE, but had no idea what God’s Love was, What Pure Love was.
Similar to an alcoholic, the sexual body is used to receiving what it wants on a schedule. It has physical cravings, pains, reactions, and even gets angry when it doesn’t get its treat. This is where the discipline comes into play. Each time I say no, I get stronger.
Mark 7:15 “There is nothing outside of a person that by going into him can defile him, but the things that come out of a person are what defile him.
Mark 7:20-23 “And he said, “what comes out of a person is what defiles him. For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness,. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.”
I finally found the LOVE I was seeking my whole life. GOD had it all along. GOD has had me all along in his hands. I had to surrender to His will. I had to surrender. I surrender to your will God, in Jesus Christ’s name. Amen. Amen. Amen.
What do you do after you realize you might have an addiction?
Go to a 12-Step Program of course! Find a community of people going through the same thing, so you don’t have to do this alone – we all need support with addiction.
Here are the 12 Steps as defined by Alcoholics Anonymous, and I replaced alcohol with Sexual Immorality:
- We admitted we were powerless over our FLESH – that our lives had become unmanageable.
- Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
- Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
- Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
- Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
- Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character
- Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings
- Made a list of persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
- Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
- Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
- Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
- Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others addicted to sex and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Now anyone you ask that knows me would be astonished to believe I was addicted to sex. I’ve only had intercourse with a handful of men, and almost all of them were my boyfriends at the time, so how could I possibly be addicted to sex? Well it’s more the sex-before-marriage and every sexual act from kissing to intercourse, that I have enjoyed more than food, of which I am addicted and releasing!
Similar to my past eating disorder battle with anorexia, not all addictions look the same. Not all addicts look the same. People always assumed to my face I was genetically blessed with skinny-ness and didn’t have to worry about the gym. Truth was, I didn’t eat.
I remember learning about a friend’s addiction and being surprised. This person was a fully functioning heroine addict for over five years by the time I learned about it. Each day they appeared to take care of their body, hygiene, children, and family relationships. Bills were paid, and they looked great. They didn’t look, sound, or act like a drug addict. It was a privately held relationship with themselves and the escape. Truly though, when I confronted them gently about it, they felt their addiction was unmanageable and were mentally living in Hell.
Only GOD knows where my heart has been and where my body has suffered, for He has always been by my side, within my heart, and loving me. I get down on my knees and cry to you, Dear Lord, for I know what I have seen, and to which I have made you a party. The sin, the lust, the animalistic execution of forfeiting my mind for pleasure of my flesh. I repent to you, Dear God, the Most High, the Almighty, the Alpha and Omega, My Everything, My Heart, My God, in Jesus Name!
Why would I put my story in the public like this, to be ridiculed, condemned, and forgotten by the world? Because God has told me to repent during the new year, and He is my only Boss. God is my only judge. At the end of this life, I go to Him only, and during this life I am His only. A righteous journey leaves many behind.
I always thought I should keep this quiet, until I was found by Jesus.
For Am I seeking the approval of man or of GOD? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. – Galatians 1:10
Earlier this year I decided to begin editing my college thesis report into a book. It is a 20-week study on an adult networking site, or better known as a live webcam model porn site. During my last year at University of California Irvine, I had to do a quantitative and qualitative study on something I was very passionate about. What was a topic I could pay attention to for 20 weeks, and what subject would I be able to write over 100 pages? Of course, as a young hormonal college student, sex is what I chose.
Why not use my education to figure out my problems? That’s why I chose Psychology and Social Behavior with a specialization in The Bio-Psycho-Social model. The model specifically examines how these aspects: biology, psychology, and sociology, play a role in topics ranging from health and disease, to human development. The issue was, I didn’t use the study on myself for good. I did the work, I got the A+, and I put it away in my closet. How could I expose my secret night life? I’m a good girl and everyone will disown me.
THE DEVIL IS A LIAR!
Man Disown me? Only GOD owns me! Who I am and Whose I am – is with God. And Guess What? My family and friends still love me too. Everyone knows I genuinely am a good person.
The people who have known me in this life, know I am sweet, kind, giving, relentless, joyous, silly, and passionate. They know my heart is what orders the path of my feet.
And who made Love? Who invented and continues to spread Love? Who Loves all when they live for Him? GOD! GOD! GOD!
I’ve cried so many times, wondering, “Why God, how God, are people so lost?” – yet I was a lost sheep in the wilderness asking this question.
It’s mind blowing how life perspectives can be so strong, I mean, they are our reality. And now I see how easy it is to change your reality. Wow. It was all here, all along. Jesus was here all along. He never left us.
Throughout my career as a Life-Changing Mentor, I always have helped people find peace through a healthy diet, exercise, meditation, and happy, loving relationships.
When you have a heart like mine, and just for a few moments, put yourself in Jesus’s shoes, you’ll feel the pain of the lack of love in this world. You’ll shed the tears. You’ll hear the cries. You’ll see the bodies burning on the stakes. The women and children being beaten and raped. Right now. Right now. Right now, in OUR time. In OUR world. In OUR hometown! Even where I grew up in Palmdale, I heard and witnessed rape and knew murderers by the age of 12. That terrified me to know I was sleeping next to them. I was sharing drinks and food with them. I was looking them in the eye and telling them I loved them. I always thought, “Things will get better.”
I’m writing now because, like all People of God, I am God’s hands and feet. I am his messenger to the masses, and this must be recorded for growth. If not mine, maybe yours.
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