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Over the past year I have realized many important revelations about who I truly am, and who I am in this world around me.
Since I was 5 years old, sex made me curious. I would sneak out of my bedroom to watch Howard Stern after the rest of the family went to sleep. I enjoyed his witty banter, and the sexual content peaked my tiny mind’s interest.
It all started after I learned where babies came from, a little too early. I am the youngest of four children, so I learned a lot of things early as they brought it home from school and life. After reading and having access to a surprisingly graphic book for a cartoon, I wanted to know more about penises and vaginas. I was so curious as to why females differed from men, how they peed, and what the mechanism did. Moms, you know this is normal for little kids! They explore their bodies and soon figure out they differ from their sister, brother, cousin, or just between Mom and Dad.
I always felt guilty and ashamed to express my curiosity because I knew I was too young to be talking, thinking, and acting upon these urges. None of the kids my age ever talked about sex, baby making, kissing, or oral sex. I’m not sure if it was trauma or what – and I couldn’t get it out of my head!
I remember my first crush in kindergarten, and how I wanted to kiss him. I tried to impress him at Show N’ Tell with a dinosaur toy, so he would talk to me more. This shows me that as my very first interaction with a male outside of my family, I thought that my self-worth was less than his, and I needed to impress him. And I needed to get his attention to validate my female existence. Poor kid had no idea what was going on.
It was June of last year, when I left a relationship and was a single adult living alone for the first time since college. I always was living with a boyfriend, and so my promiscuity was enclosed within that relationship, and what it allowed.
Through this blog, I will confess to you, that I have a new book coming out. And in that book it goes in depth about my previous experience as a webcam model on an adult networking site, and the psychological ramifications of working in the sex industry.
The spirit of shame and guilt have ruled my life. They have sabotaged my best intentions, they have kept me from God, they have kept me from my true purpose, they have deleted my self-worth, they have taken my spirit and used it like trash. Each belief, thought, and behavior that was fueled by my insecure promiscuity was a way for me to validate my existence, my worth, my confidence, my identity. I can’t believe how lost I was and how found I am today – and how much more strength the Lord will continue to instill in me.
It is astonishing to me that for my lifetime, I allowed SEX and all things related to it, run my decisions, run my day, run my thoughts, run my security.
Sex is a drug. You get a craving, you find the source, you take the drug, you get the high, and then you come back to reality. If that reality isn’t one you love, then you’ll shortly experience regret, shame, guilt, need for love, need for more validation, and the cycle starts over again. Let’s look for another source. Let’s send a dirty photo. Let’s do a sexy video chat. Let’s flirt with a stranger. What will get your jollies off? Okay, let’s do that.
Sex is a distraction. We are animals. Our flesh is just an animal – Our mind and Spirit is what makes us Human and the ability to be righteous!
I never wanted to tell anyone this, because the guilt and shame of my past ran so deep in my blood. And that is exactly why I have to tell you this, dear reader. You are not alone. Sex runs our culture, our media, our music, our world. It’s undeniable that sex sells the most widgets. It’s undeniable that Hollywood and the Music Industry have been selling me sex since Christina was a Genie and Britney was a naughty school girl. I idolized them. I dressed as them. I copied their exact dance moves and ritualized their sexual messages as a child.
And now I repent for that sin.